Whenever you experience trauma... an accident, a diagnosis of disease, you've been cheated on, you've lost control of your finances, there is a massive shift that takes place. YES, can mean a full blown IDENTITY CRISIS~ I've been going through one for 1 1/2 years since my fall. My intention in writing this is to help anyone who reads my blog and is going through any kind of dilemma, to recognize the confidence stripping power of adopting a "victim mentality", as suitable as it may seem. We received so much charity, thousands of prayers, cleaning of our house, meals, gifts for our children, kind words, garage sales in our medical bill behalf, lemonade stands and bake sales, etc. What an awe inspiring moment in our lives. I started to see myself, and my family, as somewhat of a "charity case". I remembered telling my husband Nick, "I'm scared to get well, we owe so much back to our family, friends, and community. HOW will we ever repay?" Also, I expained to Him, "If I get well, more will be expected of me, and what if I can't deliver?! I'm so scared. Right now people expect that I can't do anything. If they see me healing and getting better, back to my old self, they will expect that I can do EVERYTHING!... and I can't." Nicholas was majorly concerned. "Jamie, this will thwart your healing." And it would've. Luckily he helped me through this predicament, and I am 95% healed. It has caused me to ponder deeply about this "victim/fear mentality". Although at the time I was going through the devastation, I felt that staying the victim was my safest option, I mean we were over $150,000 in medical debt, I was half headless, my children and husband were traumatized beyond recognition, it seemed like a safe option to wallow and remain in this state. The sympathy and empathy that we received was overwhelming, honestly, it touched us deeply. What was going to happen when the "over"- empathizing was over. It WAS scary and it seemed much safer, and comfortable to remain in my suffering state. But it WASN'T. In choosing to heal, and seeing that being the CONQUEROR is amazingly better than being and remaining a victim. I no longer need the scapegoat of my injury. I recognize this victim mentality, and energy immediately now, in myself, when I slide back, and in others. I place NO judgement, but a strong understanding. In a sense, I now feel empathy, because I comprehend the deep sense of a loss of self. How am I changing and shifting my thoughts back to true and empowered thinking? I made a choice. No more was I going to rely on my accident as my identity. I broke free of the bounds and limits and seeming safety. Changing my mind, settling into my power to heal and change. This has given me the strength to press forward, and do things on my own that I didn't believe were possible. There is a peace and a power that you will experience as you step into your capabilities with confidence and responsibility. xo
Our thoughts and actions are at times like a needle stuck on a record. Remember records ;)haha. It would replay a word or sentence, replay, replay and never change until it is adjusted, then it moves forward with a beautiful melody. ADJUSTMENT being the key. I'm sure if the needle could speak it would be like, "Hey!! What are you doing?! Stop touching me! I'm on a mission don't distract me!!" Reality check... we are a broken record sometimes. Banging our heads on walls continuously in an effort to make things happen the way and ONLY way we believe will work. Realize truth, submitting our wills or control is adjusting to progress. My record has been sitting on a scratch. Today I am realizing this, and ready to make the "adjustment". I feel like I have been given so much, and have a mission to share and lift others. "How" is where I've been stuck. The vision in my mind is a little different than what is coming to pass. Submission and allowing God to do His work in me, however he chooses, is my KEY adjustment. I cannot force my future. Doing all I can toward what I feel to be best is my part. God is preparing the rest. Whatever situation you may be in I hope you will try this faith thing with me. Letting go of the control, and "know-it-all" attitude. EGO.... hard to let go of.
So how do we do it? Well it's important to understand "life IS motion". The ocean is symbolic of our journey in life. The ocean ebbs and flows, recedes then oversteps normal boundaries. Surrendering to me is best explained with this visual. Set our intention of what we want to create for others as well as our own greatest good. Then after we are fixed on intention then we allow the motion. The focus as to HOW this will completely be accomplished is not fully up to us. Recognizing this will create a sense of peace. It's like getting beyond the boisterous waves, and arms wide as you float where the current takes you. We are liquid to the whims of the "how", and that's Ok. I am realizing being liquid isn't a bad thing. Liquid is pliable and moves where a master puts it to motion. Our part is to be aware, and alert to notice the opportunities, how to's, being vigilant to other's who may be stuck in a whirlpool and need our help. Watching for the whale's back that will carry us. He IS MY "HOW".
Posted at 10:53 PM
My dear friends. Wow, it has been a long time since I've touched base. It has definitely been a continued roller coaster, but I feel like I'm on a rise above the "fog". Right now at this moment I am feeling so much hope and excitement. Mentalities that I have changed have been focused around not being a victim of my accident and the changes that have taken place. I realized that I'm leaning on my accident for fear of being expected to be the "old" Jamie. My husband and I have had extensive conversations around the idea of giving myself the benefit of the doubt, and not worrying about the over expectation of others. This is so liberating! I can be me, the real me, the new me, and be OK with me! I've realized a gigantic part of me has stopped living and I am engaging DAILY to push my personal boundaries. This is a habit I want to form. We went on a day family trip to a mountain beach on the river, a fam favorite. I was like a dead fish. Everything was dangerous and I wasn't involved whatsoever. We left with me feeling under stimulated and sad that my children weren't able to play with their "old" mom. Then the epiphany... if I continue with these habits of staying comfortable, by next year I might be staying in the car, watching through the windshield! NO! Not going to happen. So everyday I'm in a new habit...doing nothing dangerous, but not sitting snug and warm in my zone of complacency.
Posted at 10:57 PM
Car troubles didn't hold us back... we stayed here close by.. instead of going to "Hell's Canyon" we went to "LUCKY Peak Reservoir". It was very windy blowing our balloons everywhere, so we came down a ways to the river. The ceremony of releasing our fears, through the notes on our balloons began. It was touching and cleansing. The kids released "my black eye, my tube in my mouth, the vibe of everyone at the hospital (fear), the condition I was in, worry, etc." Nick said, "Letting go of it all, just moving on". I released my fear of "normal safe activities, as well as my fear of succeeding again, self-doubt and confidence, sadness, fear, worry, being let down...letting it go to once again live my life to the fullest." :) It was a great experience for us as a family. Although all of these things are not literally contained in the balloons we felt the symbol of this act was significant. Watching my family as they gazed on the balloons was heart warming to me. We kept saying.... "There it goes..." it felt good to let it go. Then we played... skipped rocks, threw in the line, and fished as a family again. It was so cool to see Nick back doing what he loves, pinching a worm, baiting his hook, and loving every minute.
The night before, I made a thank-you sign, and reflected on the thousands of people who stepped in to ease our burdens through this year. Writing names of people who prayed for us, lifted us, cleaned for us, cooked for us, cheered for us, did fundraisers for us, blogged for us, the list went on and on. Interestingly, the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was blazing loud. My tears kept falling on my cute butterfly sign, and another name would be wetted. My heart was so full, it could've burst. Appreciation is an understatement. Although the sign is full of names, I know that this isn't a 10th of the people who effected our lives this year... for the better. Thank you SINCERELY with ALL of my heart.
Nick had to get back to work, so we headed home. I stayed home with the kids, we just played and had fun. That night Nick took us to my favorite restaurant Sawadee Thai. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. At 7:20 we recognized this was the exact time a year ago that my accident happened. Everyone around the table just smiled. We all knew this year did not kill us. We are victors. Cheers!
PS If anyone is interested in what Idaho Power has done to improve the safety of the culvert... here is a pic!
Posted at 7:37 PM